Act one, scene one. A cherry orchard. Disenfranchised cherry magnate aristocrat Vanya Dubrovnovik or whatever played by Mickey Perez, unaware that he is disenfranchized, is gorging himself sick on the sweetest fruit of the season, capering about like a spring lamb and singing "o what a beautiful morning" or some high medieval Russian hipster patois equivalent. He is approached by Pete and G. "Well Met my rubles" vanya says cordially. How about a cherry cordial?
We're not your rubes, Pete and G warn. Although we did see Leon out in the back. We're here as representatives from Brooklyn Based big box store BJs, backed by Big Papi.
(you may have heard rumors of his underworld connections but please do not allow that to influence your decision)
They want to offer you a billion for your orchard. Nonsense, cries vanya. Why this tree alone is my bosom friend!!! Gentlemen, please try some of these beauties!
Act one scene two. Enter Trump and Kushner with rolled up development plans under their arms. Not sure who will play these.
YUP this is great, trump said. Boys, I see you that billion and raise you a billion and an oktoberfest at the bier haus. We want to put an ugly overpriced hotel hier, and overbook alles das zimmeres. In his overexcitement and greed, Trump was slipping into the patois of his brothel owning German grandfather. (well he had to get his misogyny from somewhere).
The HELL YOU SAY, vanya retorted, slipping in his turn into farm boy dialect. It'll be a cold day in Hell AFORE I SELL TO Y'ALL! And hands off my cherries! He had noticed Drump trying to stuff his pockets with red gemz.
GOTT IM HIMMEL! shouted Drump, who never actually said any prayers at all. A REDNECK!
TARNATION! shouted vanya. A KRAUT!!
Scene ends with a kerfuffle and the song Lay that Pistol down playing in the background.
Act one scene three. The Professor enters, played by Jemmy, and accompanied by his post doc fellow fawlty Dl who is scribbling wildly on an ipad. So its not rubles nor rubes, Jemmy clarifies. Its RUBIES which are red gems,(is there a cherry called red gem?) to be a counterpoint to my blue jemz harmonic conflagration. Hold on hold on says fawlty, let me get that. Suddenly, a flummoxed Felipe appears flanked by Four funkmasters. My name is not Rodolfo Rodolfovitch, Felipe shouts. It's Felipe felipovitch Felipe felipovitch felipanovna, and I have been a friend of the warped blueblood dynasty for YEARS!!
Act one scene four. Vanya is approached by Leon, played by Prince Language. It's been good working in these sugar fields, leon says. But I'd like to tender my quitting papers, says the taciturn lion. Ive just been disenframmentato, and I need to skip town, Im going to work against Fetty Wap's chronic hydro haze fields in America, backed by Big Papi. I plan to be a cleaner.
Act two, scene one. Milk dud, alone in the cherry orchard, high on sugar high as the sky.
THIS SCENE WILL HAVE TO BE STRICKEN AND CENSORED BECAUSE OF REASONS. REASONS.
What then shall I say, she mused. Shall I speak to thee in tongues of high falooting academically minded dilettantes? And shalt thou then have me for a snot nosed intellectual? Or shall I use the vernacular patois and be sloughed off as a street rat? How then? Shall I speak the slang of Sinaloa and be deported, or shall I be amigable and be cast out as a tramp? Or quiet, and then I am a cold hearted beeyatch. Ah then let me away to Tazmania or Lichtenstein or Kazakstahn where by my faith the weather is more pleasing.
Marry, by the rood, and quibus quibus quibus quorum, you decide, o rabbelous ridiculous and discontented unfathomable implacable and utterly baffling whoever the whatever whenever however. AMEN.
Act two scene two. Drump enters calling for vanya wiht a sneer of triumph. Sell to me now, he demands, or lose all--there's a crowd of Justins heading up the Van der Volgen river armed to the teeth with Sparrow at the helm.
That's---You paid them to do it, you double dealing pumpkin, Vanya swore. What woulndt you do to manipulate the market? But Im way ahead of you, that's not Sparrow thats' Strider and those aren't pirates they're repentant Leninists who all had a conversion after eating my high sugar content red gem fruit!! Now if you'll excuse me Im going to go have dinner wtih them.
Act two scene three. early morning. Vanya is ambling about the orchard with his good friend "the idiot" who escaped from a dostoevskian mental ward, where he had been imprisoned for stealing "publicly owned" cherries, oddly enough.
no worries, dear comrade, Vanya said grandly. My fruitcake is your fruitcake, no matter how fruity it may be. Here, --and here he reached up to grab some of the finest fruit from a low hanging bough.
Please dont call me comrade, the idiot begged. Call me commadri, if you wish.
Whatever you say, commadri, vanya replied. Dont hang out too much with Don Corleone though you might pick up some bad habits. O listen! The morning stretch with Kroba is coming up, I think I hear it now.
That can't be Kroba! Kroba is Kul~ it sounds more like--sticking their heads through a large patch of aloe vera like the kind you find in Cote Divoire, they saw Drumpf with a surveyor. You sneaky squash, vanya said, you're trespassing on my orchard. < OUT!
Brandon appears, Vanya, he touches his forehead. my boy Leon needs his severance maserati. Can you hando a lambo on a Sundo? Its not sundog its moondog says Milk dud. You know how I love the moon.
Wait hold it I thought we decided on Uriel, says Jemmy who has appeared to try to prevent a pistol battle between Drumf and Vanya.
Now U the one who lost the thread..or maybe I lost my head..I can't even hear moonlight lady anymore without weeping.
Yeah thats' the therapy, says Jemmy. sometimes it has weird side effects.
Milk dud takes him aside.
Plus I didn't even get to see the June moon. Can't you talk to Jah about the rain?
Anything else, power nerd?
I'm SOOO tired of all this coding!
You HAVE to admit it looks pretty dope.
Milk Dud grins. ok yeah it kinda does.
So just finish it, come on, let's go.